Andy Townshend and Jimmy Floyd Hasselhoff, crickey ITV’s really going for Football Hell tonight, aren’t they?

Former colonial oppressors versus former colonial oppressed. The last time they played the match had to be abandoned after five Angolans were sent off!

You got a general idea of what was likely to follow after five minutes when Figo – never the quickest guy in the world – ran through the Angolan defence like it was elsewhere and laid one on a plate for Paulette who, remarkably, didn’t fall over on his @r$e but actually scored.

Thereafter, the Goalies settled down although, in Mateus they have a midfielder with a distribution ratio even worse than Owen Hargeaves.

Excellent to see Christiano Ronaldo getting booked on general principle. He struts around the place like such an arrogant little  it is, surely, about time that FIFA passed a new law making it legal for an opponents (any opponent) to stamp on his head until he, you know, dies. Although, there’s some health and safety implications involved in this, of course. There might be slippage on such a greasy surface… It was genuinely marvellous to see the pampered brat taking a right strop when got substituted in the second half.

Angola were okay – strong at the back, especially - but with absolutely nowt upfront. Big Mantorras resembled a lumbering bull elephant, all huff and puff.

So, there you go. I wonder if the Portuguese and Dutch press are going to crucify Big Phil and Marco Van Basten, respectively, for their teams “only” winning 1-0 against much weaker opposition in their first games? I find it unlikely, somehow… Australia, the perpetual holders of the single most pointless Contentinal football championship imaginable (the Oceania Cup – sample score from the 1996 competiton: Tahiti 0, Australia 11 … and that was the bloody final!) Japan, the wee lads from the mystic east who so lit up the tournament four years ago in their own back yard – led by the inscruitable Ginger Ninger of Notlob, managed by Zico, the best player never to win a World Cup. Game on.

Good first half: Cut-and-thrust. Nip-and-tuck. Morecambe-and-Wise. The latter was especially evident when the Smoggies’ generously-proportioned Little Hands of Concrete committed total hari-krishna (or, should that be total hari-kewell?) and let Nakamura, the Celtic lad’s cross in. To the hilarity of everyone outside of Sydney. Lovely to see, too, Craig Moore barging into the Japies like there was no tomorrow and Lucus Neill trying his best to knee-cap them.

I liked the movement off the ball by Guus Hiddink’s boys – although Viduka and Kewell seem to have taken their “haven’t spoken for years” fued to ludicrous extremes by seemingly not wanting to get within twenty yards of each other. In the second half they threw on the big lads – including Jason Gillespie lookalike Josh Kennedy – and it became the biggest Japanese rearguard action since the Battle of Okinawa. The Japs brought on Shinji Ono after mum Yoko said it was all right for him to go out to play.

And then, just as you thought there was gonna be dancing in the streets of Hiroshima tonight, a bobble in the area, Tim Cahill got a toe on, for once, the ball and not a hapless defender, and it was 1-1. Total armaggedon nightmare (especially as a disgracefully obvious trip by the same player was missed by the pretty cr@p Egyptian ref about thirty seconds after the kick-off). Then he goes up the other end and scores another one – and it beauty it was too. To which Aloisi added a fabulous solo third just before the final whistle. Smashing game in the end, though the result was really hard on the lads from the Rising Sun.